The One Who Made Me A Mom | Noah
Friday, September 23, 2016my firstborn, my miracle, my first love.
it's so hard to explain, my heart, my emotions.
but in the last couple of weeks, I have been remembering. I remember who I used to be, what I used to look like. I remember what my life was. and I cant help but smile as I look back. I smile at the life I live.
it's incredible to think of what I've been through and what I have. when I think about it, I realize.. I have it all!
through these thoughts of the past, I have been looking at old pictures of my first baby. my firstborn, the one who made me a mom. and when I look at those pictures, I cry. it's a happy cry, but also a sad cry.
time. like I've said once before, it's a bully. and I'm missing those times when Noah was the only thing I had. Noah was my fist-mate. he was my best friend. he showed me joy everyday. Noah didn't see my past, my faults, my mistakes. he saw my heart. and in my heart, was love. love for a little human that I never thought existed. a kind of love that can heal, inspire.. the kind of love that I want forever.
as I look back and remember us, it was love. love that inspired me to be the women he would someday be proud of. a women of purpose. a mom to a king.
we are so very blessed! to have created life within us. and after 9 months, to hold that someone in your arms that sees you, and sees love. its a miracle. don't let time rob you of what once was, is, and is yet to come. but be in the moment, every time. because it will only last a second, and it will soon become a memory. the time is now. the time is present. and the time is perfect.
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I cried a lot when I was pregnant with you. I was unsure I was fit to be your mom. I was scared I wouldn't be enough. But I was also excited, excited that God would trust me with his creation. He picked me, and I'm honored. I thought about you everyday. I thought of what you would look like and what your future might hold, and I prayed for you every day while you were in my belly. And although I was still uncertain of things, God told me, "He is not just for you, but he is coming to be light to others." I then knew, there is a king coming. And he is within me. You have a great purpose. Therefore, every believer fulfills the prophetic, priestly, and kingly roles for which our Savior has been anointed. In a sense, we are all prophets called to proclaim God’s Word, priests ordained to offer ourselves as sacrifices, and kings enthroned to war against the Lord’s enemies and help expand His kingdom. (Matt 28:18–20; Rom 12:1–2; Rev 17:1–14).
The day you came into the world was the day that changed my life forever. You made me a mom. It wasn’t all butterflies and roses at first. It took me a while to fully understand what had taken place. It was the biggest, most life altering event I had ever experienced. But oh how lucky I am to have experienced something so great, something so great that I never even knew existed. Something I never even knew I needed. That’s the thing about God. He always gives us what we need. It’s not about wants. What a miraculous gift giver He is. I am humbled to be your mama, and I’ve prayed for you and over you every day since the day you were born.
My little love, I have loved every moment with you, but it has been painful and exciting to see the time pass and to see you grow into the beautiful person you’re meant to be. Painful because I want to freeze time and memorize your speech, your tiny fingers, and tiny toes. I want to remember your funny faces, your laugh, and your love for life. Painful because I want the moments of you crying out for me to last forever but painful because never do I wish to see you hurt. Painful because I know this time is too precious. I want time to slow down so that we can hold on to these cherished days forever. But it’s also been exciting, too. Exciting to see you roll over, sit up, then stand. Exciting to see you talk, walk, then run. Exciting to see you go off to school and make friends. Exciting to see you eat ice cream and love baseball with dad. Exciting to see you want to read and learn and play and love. I pray for your future and I pray for God to give me the strength I need to let you go and grow.
It won’t be just the two of us (or the four of us counting daddy and Sky) like it has been for very much longer. But I want you to know something. God knew I needed you first to help mold me into the mommy I always needed to be. You did that. From the sleepless nights you gave me when you were just an infant to the times I couldn’t take my eyes off of you when you finally closed your eyes. From the time when I first heard your little laugh to the time when we were both meeting dad for the first times. From the time when you were inconsolable and I had no idea what I was doing to the time when only mommy could make it all better. I have loved you deeper than the depths of the ocean. I have prayed more than I ever even knew how to pray. You did that.
Being a mom to you has been the greatest joy of my life. Know that I will love you forever, be there for you always, and always hold onto you with all my might. There might be times when I can’t physically hold you but know that Jesus can.
No matter how our world changes, you will always be my first. We’ll love another together, and we’ll grow together, and I’m excited to see what the future holds. You’ll grow up one day, and I’ll have to let you go spread your wings just like God always intended. Until then, I hope the days slow down a bit, but if they don’t, I’ll never forget that you were the one who made me a mommy.
I love you with all my heart and soul,
Mommy
because I am remembering Noah as a young buck, I have gathered my all time favorite pictures of him for you. many of you may of not even known us this far back, but let me tell you.. he was as charming then as he is now.
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