I am pregnant with our 3rd child due in early August. my first pregnancy felt like a breeze, my second was tougher but not as tough as what I have been going through this time around. besides other sickness like strep, back pain, colds, etc. migraines were a huge part of my daily life. not a day went by that I did not have at least one migraine, some days two. and I occasionally went several days with the same migraine (3 days being the worst).
the pain had gotten to the point of blurring my vision, feeling faint, loss of appetite, jaw/muscle pain along with pain in my teeth. I had never felt a pain like this one. remember I've had two kids naturally without pain killers and some days, I swear the pain was greater than child birth. the pressure in my head was so much my ears also hurt a lot. I wasn't getting any sleep and was in constant weariness. I didn't enjoy life anymore, I hated going to work or anywhere else for that matter. I didn't have the energy or mood to play with my kids, I didn't ever stop being kind to my husband, but I know I wasn't giving him what he needed of me. he had taken all responsibility of our household. the kids, the cleaning, the cooking, everything. I came home everyday and was either in bed or on the couch all night. the pain had basically taken over my life.
*before I get into the rest, a little background. I had to grow up at 13 years old, because of something too long to explain in this post. my siblings and I had to raise ourselves at such a young age. and that set the president for the rest of my life, until now of course. I had learned to carry weight on my shoulders, I learned to be tough and "handle it" with what ever came my way. I don't express emotion very well as I had learned to bottle it up and get on with life because I had to be strong. being a single mom for some time only tacked on this weight I had to carry. I had to raise my child and be strong no matter what I felt. there was no time for crying or feeling sorry for myself, I thought. life is tough, so I had to be as well. I felt like I had to rub some dirt on it and deal with it. I only relied on myself for the longest time. "I would be fine."
this random particular morning, I had already been having symptoms as I was taking the kids to daycare. my head was feeling pressure and my jaw was hurting a bit along with my teeth. while driving, I prayed for God to take away the pain. I actually felt I was sincere and it came from my heart. *I've always had a relationship with God, but for some reason, if it was about my health, I would take it upon myself. when I arrived to work, it had only gotten worst. it was to the point that I couldn't open my mouth big enough to take a bite out of a banana. I immediately texted Brandon that I would be taking a pill after I had breakfast. I was eating an oatmeal and couldn't take it any longer. I took the pill in the middle of eating and hoped for the best. after a few more bites of that, nausea came in and I threw up. TMI, I know, but I'm being real here. I tasted the medicine and was sure the pill had gone along with the oatmeal. I was on edge about taking another pill but I was desperate. I had no idea what to do. and I always know what to do.
I knew I needed some good in my day as all I had gotten was bad, so I clicked on my Elevation App and started my daily class. not even 8 minutes in, God brought a vision to me. it was of the time I was away from my parents. he showed me the pain I had gone through for so long, and how he was always at my side. He never left me, but was with me.
in that moment, I immediately broke, and I felt my heart fall to my stomach. I had the ugly crying face. I took my phone and my headphones and locked myself in the bathroom. I fell to my knees and begged for forgiveness. this was my prayer..
"I'm so sorry God. I know you are with me and who am I to think I am the one to determine weather you love or listen to me at all. you have never forsaken me and I know you wont do it now. I need you, I cannot do this without you. you are everything, how could I have forgotten? please help me. I need you. your grace is enough, your love is enough. I know that."
I cried, and I cried. a gut cry. He broke me. and I needed to be broken. I had taken all the weight upon my shoulders. I had believed I had to do it all. and I just had to tough it out. I had to be strong, but strong all on my own.
He showed me that it wasn't my weight to carry. His love is not passive and its never disengaged. it's always present. and I felt his presence their, it was there. in the girl's bathroom at a bank. and I felt the weight come off my shoulders. gone, just like that. He said, ever so clearly, "trust Me, lean on Me, I love you."
after about 5 minutes of trying to calm my breathing and clean myself up, I headed back to my desk and thanked Him. it's like I was alive again.
days went by and I got migraines on and off but I knew what I had to do. and that was fight. it was a spiritual fight within me what felt like every second of the day. every time I felt the pain coming, I demanded it to go as it was no longer welcome in my body. I did this for a few days and struggled on and off but felt like I was making progress.
*I knew what was happening, and it felt like a test, the kind of test that makes you stronger and that I had to learn to overcome. I had to take control of my mind and my body. God was there, he didn't leave me, but this was my time to act in faith. because what good is it all if I didn't really have the faith that He had healed me.
sunday morning came around and while in praise and worship, God began to speak to me. as they called leaders up to assist anyone that needed prayer, I hesitated. I knew I needed it, but I was afraid to step out for all to see. I am a leader of the church and it felt wrong to ask for help when I am supposed to be the one to help. I have a reputation of being a strong women, but after a few minutes, that didn't seem to matter. I let go of Brandon's hand and stepped out of my isle, I walked right up to our pastors wife whom I believe is such a strong person personally and spiritually, and has always been so kind to me. she prayed with me and I took hold of all the things she spoke over me.
Brandon has decided a few weeks back he was going to go on a week long fast again this year to pray for the things happening in our family. (mostly sickness) oh this man of God, he was all in. he was taking charge as the head of the household in an extreme manner. among other things, he was praying for my health. monday rolled around and as soon as my feet hit the floor, my head started to pulsate. immediately, I spoke it out of my body almost in an angry manner. "I am done with this, this will not be my life. I am healed in Jesus name as He is my savior and my deliverer." throughout the day I noticed my mood was great and my head had not hurt the way it used to. I occasionally felt pain start to creep in, but I didn't hesitate to pray deliverance, and it was gone.
here I am two weeks later, and haven't had a migraine since. not even one.
I feel so relieved, and happy. I feel rejuvenated. I can play with my kids and stay up late with my husband. thank you God for your precious blood that came to heal. and what more can I ask of my husband as he has done it all for me, besides taking care of me in such a rough time, bent his knees and prayed for my health. a true Kingdom Man.
I gave my health to Him who saves as it should have been from the start. I still believe in being a strong person, but I will no longer struggle as my God is greater.
I was very skeptical about putting this post up as I don't like to share times of sickness and I absolutely don't look for pity or worry from anyone. I actually hate when people do that on social media. but I promised myself I would always keep integrity on my blog and I want to be transparent when it comes pregnancy. I get asked by many people how I do it, and its not easy although it may look that way. I am human too, and I go through trials as well. and I hope if anyone is going through something similar, you find rest in Him as I did.
